I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”