Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
You Might Also Like
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.