being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.