Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here