*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.