When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
You Might Also Like
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours