I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
This is a true ally.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.