Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
is this meant to deter me
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea