This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I put the mess in domestic.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.