If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
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Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?