If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
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My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My first son he is wonderful
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Terribly Tuesday.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no