What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
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Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out