I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
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Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
decorating my apartment
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way