No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.