Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
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I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.