The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.