* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.