Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
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Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.