Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
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just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.