[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
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Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.