“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening