me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.