I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
when you are just born a rebel
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*