ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
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When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Time heals everything 🙂
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things