Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Still a very good boi….
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.