Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
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Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead