Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this