When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
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absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
that’s really how it is
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
starting a garage orchestra
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some