“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Is your wife single?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.