Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.