Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
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I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
$4 #usedbooks
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Travel bloggers during quarantine
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.