I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
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Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
estão todos miauvindo?
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
i want to work in this restaurant
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.