Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
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surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.