My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
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Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Tier 3 meme
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]