My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
You Might Also Like
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!