Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
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Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
sin harder.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.