A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”