When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
You Might Also Like
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
this could fix me
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Oh, I bet you would be
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.