Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.