Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
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Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My time has come.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.