What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
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[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I would move hell over six inches for you
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked