My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
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Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.