Feel. He’s so soft.
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Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Me: I’m a mature adult
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