“There’s an all you can eat–”
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My spinning empty office chair
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Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
also my go-to takeaway order
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.