christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
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Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism