Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
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Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.