If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle