Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
You Might Also Like
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip