I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
You Might Also Like
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.