If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
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*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.